So, last night, while eating a steak, I realized that steak, turkey, chicken, and in fact, pork, makes me pretty sick. I was talking to my fiance and she told me how she had a friend who tried to turn Vegan but failed because she “got hungry”. Best excuse for failing at something ever, that was. Becca only eats chicken and turkey, and turkey’s only once a year. Other than that, she told me she doesn’t eat any meat at all.
I’ve always had an odd attraction to vegan girls. Something about the hipster idea of saving animals and caring about their health while slutty teens are sucking down meat in some restaraunt. No sex pun intended. Vegan girls seem to be the most interesting in the idea that they decided, on their own, “I no longer wish to eat meat.” When in fact your body needs some meat. After seeing the South Park episode, “Fun With Veal”, I decided to NEVER eat veal, and I never did before that, and still havn’t. That was in 2002. I am proud of myself for it. I also figured, as my logic always in a weird way DOES make some twisted sense, none of you can deny THAT, I could become a vegan easily.
I stopped eating chocolate and drinking milk because it made me sick because I have lactose intolerance, and still don’t eat or drink it. I stopped eating fast food because it makes me violently ill. And I also have pretty much stopped using pornography since Becca and I have been together. So I have an easy habit of kicking addictions. I figured, “Hell, with MY track record, I could TOTALLY become completely vegan easily in NO TIME!”
QUESTION:
Do you think I could become Vegan with Becca?
BONUS PARTY QUESTION:
Have YOU or someone you know/knew ever tried to become Vegan, and if so, what was the result, fail or succeed?
And who knows, maybe if this succeeds Becca and I can start being our OWN Peta ads:
Valentines Day is coming up, and I’ve always wondered where this holiday came from.
I mean, christmas comes from Jesus Christ, which is why it’s called “christ”mas, the easter holiday also has something to do with the church, and then halloween is the night of ghouls and ghosts and saints and stuff. But Valentines Day has never made much sense to me, also it has depressed me. I never used to have a valentine, but now I do. My gf/fiance is my valentine. And it’s a nice feeling.
It’s not the candy or the cards that have always plauged me with questions about this holiday, although both are very good and worthy of finding the answers to, what’s plauged ME is the heart. Now, here’s a little heart test, look at this image:
HEART #1
Now,
clearly this is a beautiful image, one that shows love, happyness, a
desire to be with someone you truly care about, the way I feel about my
gf/fiance. But the sad truth is, hearts don’t really seem this
romantic. Here’s an image of a REAL heart.
HEART #2
THIS
IS NOT FLUFFY OR LOVEABLE. It’s your ORGAN! This is what pumps blood
into you and keeps you alive! How did this become entangled and
romantacized to the point of gross stupidity where it’s considered
romantic. Maybe if you’re a serial killer blood is romantic, but I
highly doubt that.
The thing that sucks, is the person who can honestly be the sweetest
guy at Valentines Day is a surgeon. Because he can literally bring his
wife home a heart and give it to her.
“Honey, you’ve stolen my heart.”
How creepy would that be?
Ugh.
But these fake hearts are everywhere, post cards, e-mails, internet, tv, books, movies, everywhere! They’re like angels. Angels are on all those things too, we live in a very spiritual age. Look, the point is this, hearts are not romantic, and surgeons are lucky sons of bitches for being able to actually bring home a heart to their wives.
I wonder what he brings home for Veterans Day or Labor Day.
“Honey, I’m home, and guess what, this year we’re taking in an old sickly veteran from that wal-mart across town!”
Or
“Honey,
this year, I got us some labors to celebrate labor day! They’re
mexicans and they came from Home Depot. They work for dirt cheap!”
These are stereotypical, but hey, this is America.
That’s all we focus on.
MW
Is it okay, ethically, morally, for a guy to fart in front of other guys that they don’t know. When I’m in the bathroom, class, or just in a store, I really need to let one rip, but because of the social faux paus it may provide, I’m not sure I actually could.
What is the Fart Ettiquite?
And what do girls do when THEY have to fart? My gf lets it rip, which, in a creepy way, is kinda hot. But the cool thing is she does it because she just doesn’t care and we find farts funny. Yes, we’re 6 year olds living in adult bodies. We’re immature, not the point. In girls bathrooms, can THEY let it rip or do they risk exclusion from their gal pals and be accused of not being “lady like.” Not sure if ANY girl is lady like anymore. Being a slut isn’t lady like, and that’s what I see in most girls these days.
Sometimes you really need to fart but you’re afraid of what may happen, they can smell the stench of your foof from a mile away. One of my favorite fart stories involves my brother Tyler and his friend Tony Mellow. Yes, that IS his real name. Tony and Tyler were in class one time together, and an earthquake drill happened, so they all got under their desk, and Tony just let one RIIIIIP and everybody just stared at him, so Tony, knowing he had just commited a social faux paus, leapt up, arms in the arm pointing at himself, and shouted, “IT WAS MEEEEEEEE!!!!!” Tony is a god among men. Stinky stanky men.
So, here’s the Fart Ettiquite rules.
FART ETTIQUITE RULES:
1. If you know it’s not going to be silent,
hold it in, if it’s silent, then drop something on purpose so you can
bend over to pick it up and then let it slowly slide out.
2. If you
can’t hold it in and you know it’ll be loud, try and do it while
there’s alot of noise and commotion going on. For example, you’re in a
conveniance store when it’s being robbed, and as they’re shooting, you
fart. Who knows, the stench may make the guys pass out. You and your
stanky gasses could be heroes!
3. DON’T DO IT IF YOU KNOW IT’S GOING
TO MAKE YOU SH*T YOUR PANTS!!!!! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! Sadly, I
know from experiance, I’m afaid to admit.
4. Don’t eat anything with
beans or things that will make you gassy (Colton & Pizza) right
before going to a few certain important activites:
A.Dinner Party
B.Important Date
C.Interview
D.Wedding
And that’s all you gotta know. So go on, go crazy, and fart your brains out.
MW
My brother told me he hates paying for health care because he never gets injured.
My brother is also working at Google.
Besides getting beaten up for being a nerd, what could happen to him?
Well you’ll be happy to know that you no longer need to pay for health care as long as you know these two little medical secrets/lessons.
Becca told me yesterday that:
A. ADA (American Dental
Association) has announced that seman is actually helpful to your teeth
and gets rid of and prevents plaque better than Listerine or
Toothpaste. She’s gonna have a clean mouth. The ADA is enforcing oral
sex and foreplay. Something we should all be happy about. Thank you ADA
for helping my sex life.
My mother told me yesterday that:
B. The health network said
never to wear an iPod during a thunder and lightening storm. Even
umbrellas in my opinion are bad, you’re a walking lightening rod.
Lightening strikes and what happens? I assume you’ll either burst into
flames, or “Balls Of Fire” will play on your iPod. Either one works for
me.
These techniques will help you keep some of that medical insurance for things much more important.
Like keggers.
MW
Today is mine and Becca’s one month anniversary, and we spent the first two hours of it last night, from about 12:00-to 1:30 or so, having lots of anniversary fun.
My parents anniversary is coming up soon, and I don’t know what they’re going to do. Probably what every parent does I guess on their anniversary. Get drunk, eat a whole thing of melted chocolate hershey kisses and then complain about how they wish they had never had kids so they could have maybe done something with their life.
At least that’s what MY parents do.
Really doesn’t help my self-esteem.
BUT, my anniversary (still going on today!!!) was and has been perfect so far. It’s a weird thing to finally be able to say, “Happy anniversary!” to somebody and have it MEAN something, and for the person to not be in my head. Same thing with valentines day. Like, for the past….oh I don’t know, my entire life, I’ve never really had anybody to share Valentine’s day with, but THIS year, I will! And it’s kind of a nice feeling. Now you’re probably all like, “Mark, what do your PARENTS do on valentine’s day since they’re frickin’ weird and you downright awesome?”
Okay you weren’t thinking it but I WAS.
Um, actually to be honest, I’m not entirely sure WHAT they do on a DAILY basis. And this includes all major holidays. I assume that on Thanksgiving they make a turkey, eat it, drink wine, and then go and steal sh*t from indians around the neighborhood, like they go and put a lawn chair on their front yard and are all like, “Check it out, I stole yer land!” And then on Halloween, I would think they sit outside with a bowl of candy and then bring the kids in and torture them.
But this is all just my own guessing of course.
But hey, ya never know.
POINT BEING, got a BIT off topic there for a while, anniversary, our first anniversary, our 1 month anniversary. It’s been great. And if 1 MONTH is a big deal, think about how big a deal 1 YEAR is gonna be, or better yet, 30 YEARS.
I know, I know what you’re thinking, you’re like, “Mark, how are you so certain it’s gonna last 30 years?”
Duh. ‘Cause I’m better at being in a relationship than you.
Loser.
Go cry about it.
MW
If a skitzophrenic goes to therapy, do they have to pay double?
Same goes with to the movies, or an amusement park. Do they have to pay double? I wonder. I’m starting to believe my GF’s mom is either a skitzo, or satan. I am going to call CPS if anything else happens to her. But this woman clearly has issues. We also believe she is a virgin, which wouldn’t be too far off from the truth.
But back to skitzo’s. If a skitzo goes to a restaraunt, do they have to order for two?
“Yes, I’d like the veal, Todd, what will YOU be having this evening?”
Do
they have to agree on movies that they rent or tv shows they watch, or
what books to read? I could go on, but I’d rather not, I think you get
the point.
I’m a one joke machine.
CHECK HER OUT (she is my soulmate)
MW
I just had a lecture in my multimedia class about how much money it would cost to live in a 1br apartment. It came out to about 17,000 dollars, so we just rounded it out to about 20,000. That’s for a month. 20,000 a month. That’s not happening.
Mr. Dale Poor discussed what our financial plans should be, as our personal plans. Life plans. He said, that girls should not get pregnant until they’re about 25 and after they get a 4 year degree. He said that guys should not have kids until they’re about 27 and get married around 25 or so. Mr. Poor has an interesting point, to an extent. Yes, alot of this stuff makes sense, but let me lay out my life plan for you, and eliminate some stuff.
First off, me and my gf/fiance are not having kids. And we already made the decision not to get married until well into our 20’s. So we’re already on the smarter curve more than the other idiot kids our age. So with no kids, and not getting married until well into our 20’s, then that leaves us with the question of where we would be financial wise. She is probably going to college, even though she doesn’t want to, and I am not going to college, so all I will have is a high school diploma. I want to write for a living, which can get you alot of money if you’re successful. IDK what she wants to do for a living. I’m not even sure SHE knows, ha. But that’s okay, you don’t have to know right when you turn 17/18.
So, financial wise, do you think we could support ourselves in a 1br apartment?
PARTY QUESTION:
Do you think we could make it on our own as a couple?
BONUS PARTY QUESTION:
What are YOUR experiances in this feild?
MW
So, for those of you who are slow (most of you) I’m going to first define what an Obituary is.
OBITUARY: o·bit·u·ar·y [oh-bich-oo-er-ee] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, plural -ar·ies, adjective
–noun
1. a notice of the death of a person, often with a biographical sketch, as in a newspaper.
–adjective
2. of, pertaining to, or recording a death or deaths: the obituary page of a newspaper.
[Origin: 1700–10; < ML obituārius, equiv. to L obitu(s) death (see obit) + -ārius -ary]
—Related forms
o·bit·u·ar·ist, noun
That’s what it means. Anyway, the most f’ed up thing ever happened. Somebody, from Associated Press, and apparently other papers, have written Brittany Speakers obit. WHILE SHE’S STILL ALIVE. This can only mean a few things. Yeah. It means that either these people are WAITING for Brittany to die, or she is and nobody knows. Now, why would you WAIT for somebody to die? Is her life THAT terrible that….
I think I just answered my own question.
Point being, it’s still f’ed up to do that kinda thing, even to someone I don’t like AT ALL. So Brittany, if you’re reading this, don’t die.
JUST BE F*CKING NORMAL!
And now, just to irritate you, here’s a Brittany Spears music video,
because I like to aggrivate people, and what a better way to aggrivate
somebody than to make them listen to HER?
Thank you.
MW
So, my gf was having a conversation on the phone that I could listen in on, since her phone was on speaker, and her and her friend were “arguing” about hips. Her friend says there’s only one hip on the human body, my gf thinks there isn’t. To finish the fight, myself (and my gf) decided to look up the word “hips” on google image search.
WARNING: DON’T LOOK UP HIPS ON GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH.
You will find some WEIRD sh*t on google image search. Here’s what we found:
GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH
WORD: HIPS
CONCLUSION
So, to make this a bit more interesting, I will not stop here, no, I’m going to type in some more random words, and see what they come up with, the picture I find the most appalling and suits the word, I will post here, let’s begin, a total of 5.
GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH EASTER EGG HUNT
WORD #1: RECTUM
CONCLUSION
DON’T F*CKING LOOK UP THE WORD “RECTUM” ON GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH.
WORD #2: ACCIDENT
CONCLUSION
WORD #3: BURRITO
CONCLUSION
WORD #4: CHICKEN
CONCLUSION
WORD #5: CYCLOPS
THIS IS A REAL THING TOO, I READ AN ARTICLE
ABOUT IT AND SAW ALL THE PICS, IT WAS A BIRTH DEFFECT, AND THE ANIMAL
DIED A FEW DAYS LATER!
CONCLUSION
And here’s the URL for all of you interested in just what the F*CK it was I found when I searched the word “Rectum”.
http://images.google.com/images?gbv=2&svnum=10&hl=en&q=rectum&btnG=Search+Images
Enjoy.
MW
So, if you want an idea of what a normal
everyday conversation between me and Aaron Smith is like, here’s just
an EXCERPT from one of our MSN conversations a few days back:
Church says: (5:11:25 PM)how are things up there anyway?
Aaron says: (5:11:41 PM)cold
Church says: (5:11:47 PM)LOL! i’ll bet!
Church says: (5:11:49 PM)is it still snowing?
Aaron says: (5:11:54 PM)no
Aaron says: (5:12:00 PM)but its supposed to
Aaron says: (5:12:04 PM)sunday
Church says: (5:12:08 PM)cool
Aaron says: (5:12:16 PM)no cold
Church says: (5:12:19 PM)lol
Church says: (5:12:23 PM)i wish it would snow here
Aaron says: (5:12:37 PM)yeah so you can jew it up
Church says: (5:12:44 PM)jew it up?! lol!!!!
Aaron says: (5:12:46 PM)oh gosh so cooold
Church says: (5:12:49 PM)that was brilliant
Church says: (5:12:58 PM)”dude, stop jewin’ it up over there!”
Aaron says: (5:13:04 PM)i think im getting a weez
Church says: (5:13:11 PM)i think it’s “wheeze”
Aaron says: (5:13:17 PM)wiiz
Church says: (5:13:22 PM)no that’s a movie
Church says: (5:13:29 PM)and another word for pee
Aaron says: (5:13:34 PM)no that WIZ
Church says: (5:13:42 PM)oh that’s true
Aaron says: (5:13:43 PM)and weee
Church says: (5:13:47 PM)wii?
Aaron says: (5:13:57 PM)wiinee
Church says: (5:14:09 PM)”dude, how big is your wiiness?” omg, this conversation is going on my blog, lol
Aaron says: (5:14:29 PM)the wiiness conspiracy
Church says: (5:14:36 PM)starring matt damon!
BTW, if I’m ever in the financial state of funding a movie, it’s totally gonna be “The Wiiness Conspiracy” starring Matt Damon.
You can’t tell me that wouldn’t make millions.
MW
